This month Ethan's going to be 16. That feels big. Our first few months together were probably the hardest. I was afraid, sad, overwhelmed, alone, terrified at the idea of being responsible for someone other than myself. None of those emotions are what I imagined a new mother would/should be feeling, but I was experiencing them in abundance.
One afternoon, Ethan and I were sitting together.He was in his bouncy chair beside me. I was on our computer. He had been asleep, but he awoke. I heard him chirp and saw his one leg move to bounce his chair. He did this often--bounce his leg to bounce his chair. It was cute and seemed so clever to me. I looked over at him and smiled. He smiled back.
Next, I made a funny face and a silly lip-flapping sound as I moved to kiss him on the neck. I stopped midway as a sound I'd never heard before emerged from the bottom of his belly. Curious, I made the funny face and silly sound again. He made his sound again too, but this time I recognized what it was. It was a full-bellied laugh that spread across his whole body like a wave in water radiating from a coin-tossed wish. His eyes sparkled. His toothless smile spread right across his face making his chubby cheeks seem impossibly chubbier.
I remember sitting there in wonder. I'd never heard a baby's first laugh. Hearing the sound of that laugh and seeing the joy in my boy's being opened up my whole world at that moment. I remember the room getting brighter, lighter, softer.
Things got easier for me after that. Not to say I didn't have some challenges as a parent, I did, but there was something about his laugh in that moment that brought clarity to my role as his mom and a greater purpose to my life. His first laugh still echoes in my mind and heart. I hope it always does.
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